Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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