You really coming over, don't trick.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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