Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
