I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
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No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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