The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
