You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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