new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
