Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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