I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
