ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You made out with two different species that night
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
