no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
