Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Welp...herpes.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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