Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
