He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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