you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
