It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
