And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
