Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
