all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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