I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
