it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
