I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
