I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
