I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
