just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
