I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
