I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry about my life...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
