I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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