Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
