Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
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I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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