How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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