You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
