I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
