i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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