Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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