Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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