I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
