Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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