everyone is single if you try hard enough
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
