I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
