before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize