at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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