I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need a beard to bite.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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