I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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