I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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