Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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