I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
