Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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