I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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