he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
