If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
