There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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