My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
