The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
even my farts smell like vagina
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
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She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...