Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
