The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
