We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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