you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
