I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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