6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
