So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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