Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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