Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
