Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
